Monday, 29 January 2018

CATHARSIS ; My Letter to Agatha Christie

Author's Note:  
   Yeah, okay, I know!                         
  Agatha's dead. Been dead for about forty years now, give or take, But this speech is burning a hole in my head and I NEED to get it out.  That woman needs to be told what damage she's done!
   Perhaps I'm the only one Bitch Christie's anti-Poirot vitriol affected. Then again, maybe there are others.  I hope so, if only for the knowledge that I'm not the only reader who feels betrayed by this detestable woman.
    If you are also a Poirot fan who loves the SERIES but can't bring yourself to pick up a christie novel, for fear of the snipes you're liable to find against the good man,  get back to me. I'd love to hear from you.
    Anywho, this letter is going to be written as if she could read it. WHAT IF is the mother's milk of fiction, but also hope.  It would have been nice if I could have told her, back when, what kind of evil woman she was, but I wasn't reading mysteries back in the day.  Even if I was, I doubt anyone would have read her the letter I'm about to write.  If I was as angry then as I am now...no.

   I am still working on Code Name; Aggie where christie's fictional twin is going to wear some of the payback, but what I'm about to say just HAS to be vented; BETRAYED READER  to BACK-STABBING Novelist.  So, here it goes.

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      "They say you're supposed to speak GOOD of the DEAD. She's Dead GOOD!"   ~Bette Davis on Joan Crawford  and me concerning Agatha Christie.

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January 28th, 2018

    Ms. Christie;
       
No arrogance in your family, Agatha.
You had it ALL
     I'm tempted to chuckle as I write this, because I NEVER imagined, in my WILDEST dreams, being ANGRY, so deeply ANGRY with someone who' s been dead  for forty years, let alone wanting to write a letter to said person.  But , here I am. Angry and writing to a dead person.
     Maybe theoretically. I'm not sure what the dead can do.  I do believe they're conscious in one or two places. Where you are, I won't even guess at.  Wherever you are, I sincerely hope you can see this, or you'll be allowed to see it. I'm writing under the assumption that you will be able to see it.

       You'll notice I did not open the letter with the perfunctory 'dear' .  That would be hypocrisy. I feel absolutely ZERO affection for you.  Oh, I started to, when I first began listening to Poirot dramatic audiobooks with John Moffatt as Poirot.  I liked the character and the books, and I assumed Poirot's  books would begin a long and pleasant readership.

   Oh, how WRONG I would turn out to be.  In fact, if you want the IN YOUR FACE truth,  Agatha, I wish to God I'd never started!  I only began listening to the Poirot dramatic audio books so I could focus on something besides the housecleaning I didn't want to do but knew I had to get done.  Looking back, I could have...SHOULD have just listened to CBS Radio Mystery Theater, Inner Sanctum mysteries or Lux Radio Theater. Or even my cds. Any of which would have spared me the betrayed ANGER /ABHORRENCE  I now feel for you and the sympathy I have for the poor Belgian detective you treated like crap, through no fault on his part.


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     "Why oh WHY did I ever create this DETESTABLE, Bombastic little creature?"   ~Agatha Christie about Poirot
                                      ~~~~~~

    I can tell you why.  Because, in your ARROGANCE, Agatha, you wanted to compete with Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and Sherlock Holmes. Well, competing is one thing, sweetie, PLAGIARIZING him is another.  Oh what a shame the grown children of A.C. Doyle didn't sic lawyers after you with CEASE AND DESIST orders. You would have been forced to let him die. Fade.  Wonder how you would have felt about that?  Happy, no doubt, except for the lack of revenue. That, you WOULD have missed.

   Anyway, as I was saying, You lift Sherlock Holmes, remodel him and then say you 'created' Poirot. A tad on the dishonest side, don't you think?  That's like someone who adds on a new room to a house and then claims they built the whole house!   Then you proceed to berate your Sherlock Holmes; calling him a 'conceited creep'. Considering you're just shy of an official thief, Ms. Christie, I wouldn't go chucking stones in that  glass house, if I were you!  I mean, you remake Sherlock Holmes but didn't bother paying attention to the aspects of his personality you didn't want to keep! How is that Poirot's fault?

    But back to a previous point. See, I don't think I'd be in such a lather about this if I hadn't graduated from listening to the dramatic audio series to the series and movies, in which David Suchet portrayed the character you treat with such disdain.
        Funny how he got to love Poirot. Even going so far as becoming an associate producer on the series to make sure Poirot was treated faithfully, as per the novels. How ironic is that!?  You sure as hell couldn't care less!  For some reason, that I will NEVER understand, your daughter, upon choosing David for the role, insisted that Poirot be treated with RESPECT! HA!  Again, how IRONIC is that?!?!  She was insisting Poirot's actor give him something he NEVER got from you!

   And then, adding to the hilarity,  your grandson was supposed to have said, on rap day of the last Poirot story filmed (Dead Man's Folly)  that you would have LOVED David's interpretation of Poirot.  So much ROSE-COLORED Sentiment I may die of Hay fever just WRITING this!  Because you would NOT have cared, agatha, whether it was David SUCHET, David Cassidy or David Letterman. Kenneth Brannaugh, Kenneth Mars or Kenneth Copeland!  Peter Ustinov, Peter Boyle or Peter Rabbit!  Albert Finney, Albert Schweitzer or Fat Albert.  How Poirot was portrayed mattered NOUGHT to you because you didn't give a damn about HIM! 

   On that same point let me add;  if the BIGGEST aggravation in your life, Ms. Christie, was a fastidiously tidy Belgian detective.... lady, I WANT your problems!
 
    And I know I'm gonna get called on the carpet for this but so what?  If it can be believed, you have LOYALISTS. I don't mean fans, I mean LOYALISTS.  People who know the hatred you had for Poirot and yet consider themselves Poirot fans at the same time they find you utterly faultless.  It's a head game.  Gotta be.

   I was acquainted with a Christie LOYALIST who painted THE most BEAUTIFUL pictures of David Suchet's Poirot, and yet, she remains LOYAL to you;  the author who treated that man with the loathing one would have for Hitler, Stalin, Manson and/or the monsters who rammed the World Trade Center.

   On a stack of Bibles, Agatha, I honestly wish you had never bothered.  I wish you had taken the first Poirot outline you got out of your head and onto paper and chucked it into the fire. It would have been a mercy to the character, had he not seen the light of day, in book or movie form, rather than being treated like crap from the person who should have been his first supporter.

     The very idea that there are readers who sing your praises, for 'creating'  Poirot,  is on a par with patting Lady Boynton (Appointment with Death) on the back for adopting the four kids she physically, emotionally and Psychologically abused.

   Now I know why your journals weren't released until after you bought the farm. If fans had been able to read the vitriol you spewed about one of your own characters, while you were still alive, your career would have gone down faster than the Hindenberg! 

 You see, Agatha, readers don't like to have their time, money or emotional investment wasted. They don't like having that trust betrayed. I know I don't. Thankfully, I only bought two of your books, both of which have long-since been tossed in the recycling box.  I have the Poirot dvd set,  and in all but the dvd's themselves, your name has been blotted out with black marker.  As far as I'm concerned, dearie, since you didn't want him, I've done all I can to remove you from his life. God knows you couldn't wait to kill him off, even while David wanted to end the series with the beloved Belgian still alive. ๐Ÿคท
 
  I'm writing a new story for Poirot's end, just so's you know.  He will die at the hand of a so-called  'friend'.  Oh, Stephen Norton was good, as Sociopathic nutters go. For this betrayed reader, however, vengeance HAS to be personal.  I'm going to take it to you on behalf of the character you maligned, and used, just for the money he brought you. And I'm going to verbally slap you across the arrogant face for the readers who may well feel the same way do. I might even let Miss Lemon take a swing at you/Ariadne Oliver.  You weren't too kind to her, either, if descriptions are anything to go by.

   And there's another thing... you railed against Poirot because of YOUR lack of vision. Since you basically lifted Sir Arthur's work ; giving the characters different names,  you made his self-same mistakes.

   You didn't add to the the world of your  central character.  Had you opened up Poirot's world and fleshed out the characters the way the series writers did, you might have been a little less of a cow to Poirot because you'd have more people to 'play' with, leaving yourself with more options for stories. Wouldn't that have made more sense, Agatha?

  How about a love story?  Maybe if Poirot been allowed a  tragic love story, as part of  his back story, you might have had an ounce of compassion for him.  Then again, if you had an ounce of compassion for the man, you would have given him a love story. 

  What WAS so bad about Hercule Poirot, Ms. Christie that he didn't deserve an ounce of kindness from you?  You didn't like his habit of symmetrically arranging things?  That was your doing, madame, not his!
 
    If you'd been paying attention to what you were writing (or lifting from someone else's writings) you might have removed that aspect from your literary remodeling job.
  Anyway, considering you'd lived through two world wars, one would assume you'd have something more worthy to snipe about than someone's odd habits. Would you have preferred the Luftwaffe drop a bomb on your house rather than having to contend with the eccentric (yet utterly HARMLESS) habit of over-organization. Irritating, fine. On the other hand,  hardly worthy of being compared, by definition (DETESTABLE)  to murderers, child molesters and/or political despots!

    Whatever Hercule Poirot did, he didn't deserve to be HATED for it.  One of your loyalists insisted I should be thankful to you for 'creating'  Poirot.  NO .  As I said before, it would have been better, for him, if your outline for the first novel ended up in the fire, than he should be treated like the child who would do his best, only to have his efforts be shrugged off, laughed at or ignored by the person who should have wished for (and helped ) him to succeed. Meanwhile, little Jane (Marple) could do no wrong.
"So let it be WRITTEN.
So let it be DONE"
     Is it possible that Poirot got his bent for perfectionism from wanting to please the one who he couldn't get a kind word from;  try though he might. Just askin'.

   I would have been kind to him, Agatha. I'm going to be.  I'm not confined, as the writers of the series were, to keep Poirot alone.  Thing is, I would have loved to have been part of his life, or had him as part of mine. So I'll do what I can to keep David Suchet's indelible  depiction of that meticulous odd duck in-tact while giving the dear Belgian detective the family YOU denied him.  At the same time, let your fictional double suffer for the disdain of her own character.

   Ya know, Agatha, There ARE WORSE people in the world than those who are perhaps overly tidy and meticulous about the order of things.
    As you well know,  you lived through TWO world wars! Am I to understand that, in those world-wide crisis situations, you could NOT name even ONE despot, marching or goose-stepping his way across the globe, to compete with Poirot in terms of the comparable damage and harm done?!

     Poirot deserved better , Ms. christie . So did your readers.  Whether you vented your poisonous mind aloud or wrote it, or both,  you stole the enjoyment of a new adventure from so many!  For others, like myself, you force us to take sides;  You or Him? And even that doesn't work, because while we do love Poirot, we wonder why you LOATHED him and that second-guessing robs us.   You are ABHORRENT to me, , AGATHA CHRISTIE!!!! A thousand times more than you DETESTED Poirot, considerable as that was!  And I will write as unkindly about you as you did against Poirot.

   Payback's a bitch, ain't it?  But then, Agatha,  so were you! An ARROGANT, ABHORRENT , HEARTLESS BITCH!

   
      VERY SINCERELY,
         Johanna Oznowicz

Whoever the lady is, she doesn't see
Poirot as 'deserving INTENSE dislike'. 


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   "If you are going to spend YEARS with these people, you had BETTER feel for them!" ~Judy Blume~ Masterclass



 





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